The Importance of the Insignificant

On a day-to-day basis, all is well in our little world. Pickle is growing. And so am I. Mr. B and I are living our lives — and taking time out to enjoy them, together.

Mr. and Mrs. B on the farm

Taking a few minutes at the farm for a family photo.

But, then, some small, seemingly insignificant thing happens that reminds me — us — how … difficult … how … different … this situation is right now.

This week, I canceled the breastfeeding class I was scheduled to take. I have always looked forward to breastfeeding my babies. It’s something I, uniquely, can do for them. And it’s something I know can help with our bonding. (Not to mention how good it is for the baby.) But, with Pickle’s very special situation, it’s unlikely she’ll be breastfeeding right away — if ever. And it seemed like such a waste of our time and money to sit through a class that will do me — or Pickle — no immediate good. Besides, I honestly don’t know if I can sit through a class with all of those happy pregnant women and their healthy, pregnant bellies — no matter how happy I am for them that their baby-dreams are coming true.

(This is not to say that Pickle will never breastfeed. Because she very well could down the line — and I so hold out hope for that happening. But, our situation will be unique to us, with a special set of challenges that I don’t believe a traditional breastfeeding class can help me with. There will be doctors and nurses and specialists and consultants for that when the time comes.)

When I hung up the phone after canceling that appointment, it all hit — again — like a ton of bricks. And I haven’t been able to shake it.

Some days hope is hard. Positivity is hard. Focusing on the good things ahead is hard. At least for today.

It is, however, with hope — and fear — that I look forward to tomorrow’s appointment with the pediatric cardiologist. We’re finally having a fetal echocardiogram. And we’ll finally get some actual answers and, possibly, somewhat of a plan for how we’re going to handle Pickle’s care. It’s been almost two months since we first found out about Pickle’s heart. Two long, question-filled months. And it will be good to at least have some direction — even if we know nothing they can do for Pickle will ever “fix” her heart. And, no matter what they say, the B Family Three has a long road ahead of it.

Before I sign off, and because it’s not good, or healthy, to only focus on the negative things — no matter how BIG they seem — I want to share the bit of good news I got this week. For me and for Pickle:

With a family history of diabetes, as well as being insulin resistant before I started losing weight (yes, losing those 100 pounds completely took care of that problem), I was certain that I’d end up with gestational diabetes. So, I was completely nervous about having my blood work done at 28 weeks. Because I knew they were going to have me take the glucose tolerance test. And I just knew it was going to come back positive.But, the doctor called first thing Monday morning to explain my blood work results to me, and I do not have gestational diabetes. Everything is completely fine — the picture of health. Actually, my blood sugar levels were a little low, so they want me to eat a few more snacks more often throughout the day. I’m pretty sure I can manage that — though, honestly, nothing sounds good and I’m getting sort of sick of eating.

So, even though losing all that weight and getting my body in “baby-making condition” didn’t save Pickle’s heart, at least it did help so we won’t have any other issues to deal with along the way.

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One thought on “The Importance of the Insignificant

  1. I have commented before, but thought I’d add that pickle
    will still need your breastmilk when she’s in the NICU! When my
    baby was born (at 26 weeks,) I started pumping and they fed my
    sweet girl my milk through a feeding tube. It took over three
    months, and eventually I was able to breast feed on my own. Look
    into renting a hospital grade pump; since yours will be doing
    overtime!

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