The Importance of the Insignificant

On a day-to-day basis, all is well in our little world. Pickle is growing. And so am I. Mr. B and I are living our lives — and taking time out to enjoy them, together.

Mr. and Mrs. B on the farm

Taking a few minutes at the farm for a family photo.

But, then, some small, seemingly insignificant thing happens that reminds me — us — how … difficult … how … different … this situation is right now.

This week, I canceled the breastfeeding class I was scheduled to take. I have always looked forward to breastfeeding my babies. It’s something I, uniquely, can do for them. And it’s something I know can help with our bonding. (Not to mention how good it is for the baby.) But, with Pickle’s very special situation, it’s unlikely she’ll be breastfeeding right away — if ever. And it seemed like such a waste of our time and money to sit through a class that will do me — or Pickle — no immediate good. Besides, I honestly don’t know if I can sit through a class with all of those happy pregnant women and their healthy, pregnant bellies — no matter how happy I am for them that their baby-dreams are coming true.

(This is not to say that Pickle will never breastfeed. Because she very well could down the line — and I so hold out hope for that happening. But, our situation will be unique to us, with a special set of challenges that I don’t believe a traditional breastfeeding class can help me with. There will be doctors and nurses and specialists and consultants for that when the time comes.)

When I hung up the phone after canceling that appointment, it all hit — again — like a ton of bricks. And I haven’t been able to shake it.

Some days hope is hard. Positivity is hard. Focusing on the good things ahead is hard. At least for today.

It is, however, with hope — and fear — that I look forward to tomorrow’s appointment with the pediatric cardiologist. We’re finally having a fetal echocardiogram. And we’ll finally get some actual answers and, possibly, somewhat of a plan for how we’re going to handle Pickle’s care. It’s been almost two months since we first found out about Pickle’s heart. Two long, question-filled months. And it will be good to at least have some direction — even if we know nothing they can do for Pickle will ever “fix” her heart. And, no matter what they say, the B Family Three has a long road ahead of it.

Before I sign off, and because it’s not good, or healthy, to only focus on the negative things — no matter how BIG they seem — I want to share the bit of good news I got this week. For me and for Pickle:

With a family history of diabetes, as well as being insulin resistant before I started losing weight (yes, losing those 100 pounds completely took care of that problem), I was certain that I’d end up with gestational diabetes. So, I was completely nervous about having my blood work done at 28 weeks. Because I knew they were going to have me take the glucose tolerance test. And I just knew it was going to come back positive.But, the doctor called first thing Monday morning to explain my blood work results to me, and I do not have gestational diabetes. Everything is completely fine — the picture of health. Actually, my blood sugar levels were a little low, so they want me to eat a few more snacks more often throughout the day. I’m pretty sure I can manage that — though, honestly, nothing sounds good and I’m getting sort of sick of eating.

So, even though losing all that weight and getting my body in “baby-making condition” didn’t save Pickle’s heart, at least it did help so we won’t have any other issues to deal with along the way.


One thought on “The Importance of the Insignificant

  1. I have commented before, but thought I’d add that pickle
    will still need your breastmilk when she’s in the NICU! When my
    baby was born (at 26 weeks,) I started pumping and they fed my
    sweet girl my milk through a feeding tube. It took over three
    months, and eventually I was able to breast feed on my own. Look
    into renting a hospital grade pump; since yours will be doing

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